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About Patras

I tried it once, right? Some spa in Soho—thought I’d treat meself. Walked in all cocky, left feelin’ like a greased-up twat. Bloke’s hands were everywhere—thought he was gonna propose! “Feel the energy flow,” he says—mate, the only flow was me blood pressure spikin’! Pissed me right off—£80 for that? Could’ve got a curry and a pint for less. Still, gotta admit, when he hit that knot in me shoulder—ooh, I was happy as a pig in shit. Surprised me, that—didn’t expect to melt like a prat. “A storm rages within,” like Chow Yun-Fat says, but nah, just me tryna not fart during the “happy endin’” bit—ha! No chance, pal, keep ya mitts north!

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So, I grab my coffee and head to the fields. The sun’s shining, and I’m feeling good. But then, I get a call from my buddy, Nikos. He’s like, “Yo, you won’t believe this!” I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, some farmers down by the Kourouta beach are having issues with their crops. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” So I hop in my car and zoom over there.

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