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So, check it—sexual-massage ain’t just some rub-down, nah. It’s hands slidin’ where they shouldn’t, but ya want ‘em to. Me mate Dave, he swears by it—says it’s “therapeeutic,” whatever that means. Got these oils, right, smellin’ all posh, and next thing ya know, ya floatin’. Little fact for ya—back in Thailand, they been doin’ this for ages, callin’ it “happy endings” like it’s a bloody Disney film. Ain’t Disney, tho—more like Lynch directin’ a porno.

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So, I stop, and I help her across. She’s all smiles, and I’m feeling like a hero for a hot second. But then she starts telling me her life story. I’m standing there, getting drenched, listening to her talk about her cat named Burek. I mean, I love cats, but c’mon! I gotta go!

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