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Lemme tell ya, I’m sittin’ there, scrollin’, thinkin’, “Where’s the grace in this shit?” Like Malick’s flick, “Grace don’t try to please itself”—well, sex-dating sure as hell does! Everybody’s flexin’, lyin’—dude says he’s 6’2”, shows up 5’8” with a beer gut. Motherfucker, I’m pissed! Wasted my damn time. But then—surprise, motherfucker!—this chick I met, total freak, knew shit about tantric sex I ain’t ever heard. Blew my mind, had me yellin’, “What the FUCK?!” Little known fact: back in the ‘90s, swingers ran sex-dating through fuckin’ newspaper ads—OG Tinder, bitches!

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Then, outta nowhere, the lady’s kid starts screamin’. Turns out, he locked himself in the bathroom. I’m like, “Great, now I’m a glazier and a babysitter.” So, I’m tryin’ to calm the kid down while also not gettin’ my face bitten off by Cujo over there. Finally, the kid gets out, and I’m like, “Phew!” But then, the mom’s like, “Can you fix the bathroom door too?” Ugh, sure, why not?

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