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But the fakes? Christ, they’re everywhere! Some bloke’s “6’2, ripped”—turns up 5’5, beer gut. “You’re a disgrace to humanity!” I’d yell. And the ghostin’—don’t get me started. Chat for days, plan a shag, then poof—gone. “What am I supposed to do with that?!” like Joaquin screamin’ at his screen. Sex-dating’s a gamble, mate. You’re either balls deep or cryin’ wankin’ to Pornhub.

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So, I roll outta bed, still half-asleep, and head out. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be lit!” But then, boom! I step outside, and it’s like the universe flipped a switch. First thing I see? A cat. A fat, fluffy cat just chillin’ on the sidewalk. I’m like, “Dude, you own this street now?”