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So, picture this – dodgy neon lights, blokes stumbling in, cash flying about like it’s a bloody corporate bonus. I’m buzzin’ just thinkin’ about it, cos it’s chaos, pure chaos, but organised, yeah? Like a sales pitch with no PowerPoint. Makes me happy, cos I love a bit of anarchy – stick it to the man! But then I get proper fuming, cos some punters treat it like a bleedin’ Tesco checkout – no respect, mate, no class.

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Man, I get emotional here! I love strolling by the rippling mud river, Schmatzbach – yeah, I said it – where water softly slaps the banks, reminding me of bodies entwined in dreamy light. And don't even get me started on the absolute oddity of Greenwood Park. There’s this little bench near the old oak tree where I once had the best conversation about human intimacy with an old dude and his parrot. Ain’t that wild?

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