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About Philadelphia

So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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The neighborhoods? Oh man, they got a vibe. Westside’s gritty with cool murals on Brick Lane. Eastside’s all hipster, like, coffee shops on Maple & Ivy, where organic lattes rule. I always get a kick watchin’ rich folks blabber out “Spring Breakers" lines, “this is it, the ultimate escape!” – I laugh, bro.

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