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Still pisses me off, though – society’s a twat. Why’s it gotta be so rank for ‘em? I’d storm in, “Move your arse!” – get ‘em outta there. But nah, they’d just laugh, call me a posh git. Fair play, I’d deserve it. Anyway, finding a prossie? Risky, messy, bloody fascinating. Like a dodgy soufflé – could collapse any sec! You’re a numpty if you don’t see the layers, mate!

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So, I’m standing there, feeling all mopey, when I spot this old dude feeding the pigeons. I swear, he had like a hundred of them around him. I thought, “Man, I need that kind of dedication in my life.” But then, outta nowhere, one of the pigeons swoops down and snatches his sandwich! I couldn’t help but laugh. The guy was furious! He started waving his arms like a madman. I mean, it was hilarious.

Carnforth man jailed for role in class A drug supply network