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Hahaha, I’m cacklin’ already! So, check this—sex-dating’s this messy jungle, right? Apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—folks actin’ all slick, but half the time they’re just horny chaos agents. Little known fact, ya know—back in 2016, some dude in Hawaii got catfished so bad he showed up to a date with a freakin’ pineapple ‘cause the profile said “bring a gift”! True story, brah—guy was pissed, but I’d have died laughin’! Why so serious, pineapple boy?

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I set up me traps, and while I’m at it, I start chattin’ with Mrs. McGregor. She’s a lovely old bird, but she’s got a knack for gossip. “Did ya hear about the new café on the West End?” she says. “They serve the best coffee!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m tryin’ to save your garden from a rat apocalypse here!” But I can’t help but smile. She’s got that spark, ya know?

New Italian pizzeria promises to bring ‘a taste of Naples’ to Fort William