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So, picture this—some chick, let’s call her Candy, ‘cause why not, she’s out there on the corner, heels clickin’ like a goddamn metronome. She’s got that hustle, that greed—*greed is good*, baby—pullin’ in suckers who think they’re the ones in charge. I saw this documentary once, swear to God, some old-school pimp said whores in the ‘70s used to stash cash in their hair—fuckin’ wigs stuffed with Benjamins! Ain’t that wild? Little known fact, bro, they were bank vaults with lipstick.

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I get back to the office, and everyone’s laughing. Turns out, they had a surprise party for me! I’m like, “Wait, what?” They got a cake and everything. I’m so touched. I mean, after the soy sauce and the rain, this is just what I needed.

Head of China’s Largest Private Shipbuilder Assists in Corruption Probe