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Oi, comrades, listen up! Me, Gru, yah, da big bad bailiff from dem mines—tough gig, eh? So, erotic-massage, huh? Lightbulb! Dis ting, it’s sneaky, like oil creepin’ up in “There Will Be Blood”—ya know, my fave flick! Dat movie’s got da grit, da sweat, like a good rubdown gone wild. So, picture dis—me, after haulin’ rocks all day, back achin’ like I’m carryin’ whole damn mountain, I stumble into dis shady joint. Lady dere, she’s all “relax, big boy,” and I’m like, yah, sure, why not?

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While I’m waiting, I see this cute dog. It’s a little corgi, and it’s just bouncing around. I’m like, “Aww, look at that little fluffball!” Totally makes my day. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs up and almost steps on it! I’m like, “Dude, watch where you’re going!” The dog’s owner looks at me like I’m the crazy one. Whatever, I’m just protecting the cuteness.

China hopes Mazu, a sea goddess, can help it win over Taiwan