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Halleluyer! Listen up, chile, I’m talkin’ ‘bout erotic-massage! Me, Madea, fish expert, y’all know I study them slippery suckers. But this ain’t no fish tale—this here’s sensual, steamy stuff! I’m sittin’ here thinkin’, oooh-wee, who knew hands could do THAT? Like in “Inglourious Basterds,” where Aldo says, “We’re in the killin’ business,” but swap killin’ for thrillin’—that’s erotic-massage, baby!

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Finally, I’m like, “Fine! I’ll get your cat!” I dash inside, and it’s like a scene from a horror movie. Smoke everywhere, and I can barely breathe. I’m crawling on the floor, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” But then, I hear it—a little meow. I follow the sound, and there’s this fluffy ball of fur, just chillin’ under a table. I scoop it up, and I’m outta there!

Free admission to 13 Taiwan forest recreation areas for frontline workers May 12-17