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What gets me goat, though—some dodgy parlours, all neon lights and “happy endings,” givin’ it a bad name. Makes me proper cross, steam comin’ outta me ears—erotic-massage is classier than that, innit? Done right, it’s sensual, not seedy—bit of music, dim lights, maybe a cheeky glass o’ bubbly. Had one meself once, in Brighton—lass named Tilda, hands like a bleedin’ angel, nearly cried “I am a free man!” like Solomon when she hit that knot in me back. Felt reborn, I did—happy as a pig in muck.

Guide to happy ending massage in Taipei

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Then, I spot this street performer. He’s playing the erhu, and it’s beautiful. I stop, totally mesmerized. The music hits me right in the feels. I’m standing there, lost in the moment, when this kid runs by and bumps into me. My bubble tea goes flying! I’m like, “Nooooo!” It splatters everywhere. I’m furious, but then I see the kid’s face. He’s just a little dude, probably didn’t mean it. I can’t stay mad. I just laugh it off.

New Taipeis 2019 Christmasland festival lights up tomorrow