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Hiii, oh my gawd, listen up! *nasally twang* So, I’m like, a stockbroker, right? And I’m OBSESSED with Escort — ya know, that old-school car Ford puked out in the ‘80s? Total crapbox, but I’m here for it! *The Nanny cackle* HAHAHA! Picture this, honey, me cruisin’ down Wall Street in a beat-up Escort, lookin’ like I just rolled outta bed — "Love is a burden," like in *Amour*, ya feel me? That movie’s my JAM, so tragic, so real, so ME!

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But then, I get there, and the contractor’s late. Like, really late. I’m standing there, checking my watch, and I’m like, “Dude, I got places to be!” Finally, he rolls up, and he’s all, “Sorry, man, traffic.” I’m like, “Yeah, I know. I was there.”

Puerto Rico hit by a 6.4-magnitude earthquake