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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into my buddy Miguel. He was all hyped about this new taco joint on Calle 3. I’m like, “Dude, I’m in!” So we head over, and let me tell ya, these tacos were life-changing. I mean, I’ve had tacos before, but these? They were like a fiesta in my mouth. I was so happy, I almost cried.

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