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Argh! I’m ready! Me, a lumberjack, SpongeBob, talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute! Holy krabby patties, let’s dive in! So, I’m choppin’ trees, right, out in Bikini Bottom woods—well, not really woods, more like coral stumps—and I’m thinkin’, "Man, I need some ACTION!" Not just swingin’ axes, ya know? Somethin’ spicy, somethin’ like in me fave flick, *A History of Violence*. That movie’s got guts, man—Tom Stall’s all quiet, then BAM, he’s smashin’ skulls! I love it! “I’m not a hero,” he says, but dang, he’s a beast!

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I hit the water, and it’s cold! Like, “I-shoulda-worn-a-wetsuit” cold. But I dive in anyway. The river’s got this weird vibe today. I’m swimming around, and suddenly, I spot this old bike down there. Like, who even loses a bike in a river? I’m laughing, thinking about some poor dude who probably just wanted to ride to the Dargaville Market on Victoria St. and ended up taking a dip instead.

Three burglaries in Dargaville overnight, ‘suspicious’ activity reported