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I got into it once—total game-changer. Some chick in Thailand, legit pro, knew tricks I never dreamed of. Little known fact? Them ancient tantra cats—thousands of years back—started this shit. Not just rubbin for fun, nah, it’s energy, flow, power! Blew my mind, like—whoa, this ain’t no spa day! Made me happy as hell, like Kolia in “Leviathan” clutchin his vodka, thinkin life’s finally good—til it ain’t.

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After that, I decide to hit up the Groninger Museum. I’m all about that modern art, you know? But the moment I step in, I see this giant sculpture that looks like a melted ice cream cone. I’m standing there, trying to figure out if it’s art or just a mistake. I’m like, “Is this what my life has come to?” But then I see a kid staring at it, and he’s like, “Mom, why is it sad?” I lose it. I’m laughing so hard, I almost get kicked out.

FC Groningen allow former Scunthorpe and Motherwell striker to return to Scotland and join St Mirren on loan