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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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I finally grab the groceries and head back. But on my way, I trip over a crack in the sidewalk. Seriously, Pervomaisc, fix your streets! I’m limping now, and I’m mad. I’m like, “Who do I gotta talk to about this?” But then I see a kid laughing at me, and I can’t help but chuckle. Kids are the best.

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