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Picture this—ya got candles, dim lights, maybe some oil that smells like freakin’ heaven. It’s all slow and sensual, like—bam—yer tension’s gone! I tried it once, swear, felt like Chas Tenenbaum after he chilled out—ya know, “I’ve had a rough year, Dad.” But here’s the kicker—sometimes it’s legit therapy! Not just horny stuff. Therapists use it for stress, trauma—crazy, right? I was shocked—thought it was all porn vibes. Nope, it’s deep shit!

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After a solid hour of work, I finally get those roses lookin’ decent. Mrs. Müller is thrilled! She’s like, “You’re a miracle worker!” I’m feelin’ all proud and stuff. But then, she offers me a slice of her famous apple strudel. I’m like, “Heck yes!” But then I remember I’m on a diet. Ugh! Why do good things always come with a catch?

Balzer + Bray Previews Its Inaugural List at Macmillan