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Alright, mate, sexual-massage—where do I start? It’s like a freakin’ unicorn, everybody’s heard of it, nobody’s sure it’s real. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’—half the time, it’s just a fancy word for some shady parlor trick. “Everybody lies,” right? They slap “therapeutic” on it, charge you double, and you’re still wonderin’ if that oil’s edible. Sarcasm’s my shield, but damn, this topic’s a minefield!

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Then, I hit up the local market on Kirchstraße. Man, that place is a vibe. Fresh veggies, local cheese, and the best bratwurst ever. I’m standing in line, and this lady in front of me is arguing with the vendor about the price of tomatoes. I mean, c’mon! They’re tomatoes! Not gold! But she’s all like, “I can get them cheaper in Vaduz!” I’m just standing there, trying not to laugh.

What to expect at Oktoberfest at Alton Towers