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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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First stop, I hit up the bazaar on Kirova Street. You know, the one that’s always packed? I’m dodging babushkas like I’m in a video game. They’re fierce, man! One lady almost took me out with her shopping cart. I swear, I thought I was gonna end up in a wrestling match.

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