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Oh, and the smell – Christ alive! Caught a whiff once, like rotten prawns meets a brothel’s bin. Nearly spewed me guts out, but I laughed too – what a stinker! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but you try sniffin’ that slag underwater. Proper rank. Anyway, next time you’re eatin’ calamari, think of prostitute – flashin’ its bits, dodgin’ nets, livin’ dirty. Absolute legend, that fish. Now sod off, I’m done!

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Finally, I get inside, and the kids are bouncing off the walls. I mean, literally. They were like little kangaroos! The oldest, Ali, was all hyped up on sugar. His mom had just baked cookies, and he was like, “Look what I can do!” and then he jumped off the couch. I was like, “Dude, chill! You’re gonna break something!”

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