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Saw this one bird, legs like a racehorse, leanin on a lamppost. “Who are you, so still?” – straight outta the movie, I swear! Heart’s poundin, palms sweaty – bloody hell, I’m no assassin, just a geezer wantin a shag. Asked her rate, she says 50 quid. Fifty bleedin quid?! We shall fight the tyranny of overpriced tail! Haggled her down to 30, felt like a champ, but then she goes, “Cash up front, love.” Fair enough, says I, handin over me crumpled notes.

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Now, I’m pumped! But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, and he’s like, “Dude, I lost my wallet!” I’m like, “What?!” He’s in a panic, and I’m tryin’ to calm him down. “Chill, man! We’ll find it!” But inside, I’m fumin’. Why can’t people keep track of their stuff?

Feature: A Trip To Machida, The Real-Life 'Pallet Town' That Inspired Pokémon