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About Osaka

So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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O whore of mine, lover, beloved, this and every day's safe haven, I recognize you, I canonize you to one side of the hypocrites and the perverts, I give you all.

After that, I’m feeling a bit better, so I wander down to the beach. The sand is warm, and I just plop down. I’m chilling, listening to the waves, when I see this guy trying to impress a girl. He’s doing all these tricks on his skateboard. But then, he totally wipes out! I’m cracking up, and the girl? She’s laughing too. It’s like a scene from a movie.

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