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Me fave bit of sexual-massage? When it’s done proper, not some seedy backroom job. Like in *Talk to Her*, where touch ain’t just touch – it’s got meaning, depth, all that soppy shite. “The body doesn’t lie,” Almodóvar says, and ain’t that the truth? Had this one mate, swore blind a sexual-massage fixed his bad back *and* his love life – I’m like, “Yeah, sure, and I’m the bloody Queen!” Still, he was buzzing, proper chuffed – made me jealous for about 2 seconds ‘til I remembered I’d rather die than let some stranger knead me bits.

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Finally, I get to my first job on Koshigoe Street. This lady, Mrs. Tanaka, bless her heart, wants a new window in her tea shop. I walk in, and it’s like stepping into a time machine. The smell of matcha hits me, and I’m like, “Yesss!” But then, she shows me the window. It’s a mess! Cracked, foggy, and I’m pretty sure it’s been there since the Edo period. I’m thinkin’, “Lady, you need a miracle, not just a glazier.”

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