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Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine, swore he’d never – NEVER – hire one. Guess what? Caught him red-handed, leavin’ some motel! “I am not the Zodiac,” he stammers, like I’d buy that! Laughed me head off, then kicked his arse – stupid, fat hobbit! Sex escort’s a riddle, innit? Dirty, sad, funny – all mashed up! What d’ya reckon, eh? Gollum knows, Gollum sees!

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Finally, I get to the arena, and it’s packed. The energy is electric! People are shouting, waving flags, and I’m just trying to keep my cool. But then, out of nowhere, this kid runs up to me. He’s like, “Can I have your autograph?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m not a rockstar!” But I sign his shirt anyway. Kid’s gonna be the next big thing, I swear.

Lisa’s In and Around Tokyo: Akishima-Ensis, where a 1961 find puts the focus on Paleo times