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But here’s the kicker—what pisses me off? The cheeky sods who try rippin’ ya off. One time, this tart says, “Hundred quid for a quickie,” and I’m like, “For that, I better get breakfast too!” Made me proper mad, but I laughed it off—Bond don’t lose his cool. Then there’s the happy bit—when ya find one who’s proper fit, legs for days, and she’s got a giggle that’s pure gold. Surprised me once, this one gal knew judo—nearly flipped me over! “Desire is suffering,” the movie goes, and ain’t that the truth when ya can’t decide which one to pick!

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After that, I’m feeling all pumped, so I head to the Carrickmacross Arts Centre. I wanna check out some local art. But guess what? It’s closed! I’m standing there like an idiot, staring at the locked door. I’m so mad! I could’ve thrown a fit, but instead, I just laughed. “Typical!” I shout to no one.

Death Notice of Kathleen Fowler (née Smith) (Carrickmacross, Monaghan)