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Anyways, ya gotta watch yerself—cops, creeps, the works. “The wind carries everything away,” like in the movie—secrets, lies, all that jazz. Me? I’d be too chicken to haggle. Prolly overpay, say “Keep the change!” and hop off, blushin’ green. What a mess—findin’ a prostitute’s a whole dang adventure, pal! Hi-ho, that’s my take!

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Then, I decide to check out the Zrínyi Castle. It’s this epic fortress with a rich history. I’m all about that history, but honestly, I just wanted to climb to the top for the view. I get there, and it’s packed with tourists. Ugh. I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy a view in peace?” But whatever, I squeeze through. The view is insane! You can see the whole city, the hills, the trees. I’m snapping pics like a tourist. #SzigetvárVibes, right?

Mosque ruins hint at Sultan Suleiman shrine in Hungary