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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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But then, the day takes a turn. I’m back at my spot, and this guy comes up, all angry. He’s waving a butter knife at me! I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s just a butter knife!” He’s ranting about how it’s the worst knife ever. I’m trying to explain, but he’s not having it. I’m thinking, “Man, you need to relax. It’s not like I made the knife!”

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