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“Dogville” tho, Grace gets shagged about by everyone, “I’m just a vessel,” she says, and prostitutes? Same deal, mate! Used up, spat out, and I’m sat here, milkin away, goin, “Bloody hell, least cows get hay!” I reckon they’re tougher than nails, these girls – takes guts to strut in fishnets when it’s pissin down! Ever hear bout that Amsterdam bird? Lived in a cupboard for a year, trickin blokes through a hatch! Mental, right?

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Oh, and I have a secret: the spa’s right off Parkside Road. Every detail matters, folks – and you gotta know this is where the magic happens! Some come for the massage, some for the vibes – it’s all big league, believe me. The locals? They’re the real characters; so fun, so honest. They’ll crack a joke, say something unpredictable – “inherent vice, unstoppable, always surprising!” And that's how I see my city.

Strathmore Schools Pipe Band seeking instructors for bagpipes, and bass and tenor drumming