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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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I remember once, on a scrappy windy day, I was sittin’ in Doonside Park – oh, sorry, Doonside Central Park, silly me – watchin’ families having a laugh, kids racing like cheetahs. I got mad ‘cos some bloke spilled his coffee, then happy ‘cos a little girl gave me a shy smile. So many feels, right?

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