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I got into this one time—oh, lemme tell ya—buddy of mine swore it’d fix my achin’ back. Walked in all skeptical, like, “This some hippy-dippy nonsense?” But then—BAM—hands on me, and I’m floatin’ like a dang cloud! Made me happy as a pig in mud. Little known fact, y’all: them ancient Greeks? They was rubbin’ each other down after wrestlin’—naked as jaybirds! True story, look it up. Sexual-massage ain’t new, it’s old as dirt!

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Then, I head over to the beach. Opotiki Beach, man! The waves were crashing, and the sun was shining. I’m thinking, “This is the life!” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and steals my chips! Like, seriously? I’m just trying to enjoy my snack, and this feathered thief swoops in. I’m yelling, “Hey! Get your own food!” But it’s a seagull, so it just gives me that look. You know the one.

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