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Me, I’m sittin here, thinkin—too many pervs ruin it! We hates it when creeps make it gross, slimy bastards. But when it’s good? Oh, precious, it’s gold—warm hands, soft touch, tension meltin. “What’s left after the harvest?” Varda says—sexual-massage, it’s the leftovers, the good stuff nobody talks about! Ever tried it with lavender oil? Smells like heaven, mate, swear it!

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First call of the day? Some dude from Seapoint. He’s all like, “My internet’s down!” I’m like, “Bro, it’s 7 AM. Chill.” But nah, he’s losing his mind. I mean, c’mon, it’s not the end of the world! I tell him to reboot his router, and he’s like, “What’s a router?” I swear, I almost lost it.

Lucinda O’Sullivan’s restaurant review: China Tang in Monkstown serves up haute Asian cuisine in a setting stylish enough for James Bond