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So, I tried it once, right? This guy, total pro, hands like magic—i’m layin’ there, thinkin’, “Is this allowed to feel THIS good?” *Nanny laugh* Hahaha! It’s not just rubbin’—it’s, like, art! Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this with olive oil, callin’ it “massage for the gods” or some fancy schmancy name. I’m like, “Sign me up, Caesar!” Made me happy as a clam, but then—ugh—the price! Fifty bucks extra for “special attention”? Robbery! I was steamed, yellin’, “What am I, a Rockefeller?!”

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I try to calm them down. “Hey, folks, let’s take it outside.” But they just glare at me. I mean, c’mon! I’m just trying to help! So, I’m standing there, feeling like a referee in a bad reality show.

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