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Last time I had one, right, this geezer’s hands were like sandpaper – fuming, I was! Paid 50 quid to feel like a scratched table! But then, next go, this bird’s got fingers like silk, and I’m floatin’, happier than a pig in shite. Surprised me, that did – didn’t expect to love it. Little fact for ya: in Japan, they’ve got “soaplands” – erotic-massage with bubbles! Bubbles, mate! Like a kid’s bath gone X-rated. Cracked me up when I heard.

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So, I finally get my food, and I’m ready to chow down. But then, I see this dog. A big ol’ golden retriever, just chilling. I’m thinking, “Aww, what a cutie!” But then it runs straight for my chips! I’m like, “Noooo!” I’m waving my arms like a madman. The owner’s laughing, and I’m just there, half-heartedly trying to protect my meal.

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