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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘cept maybe a good steak. Sexual-massage? Pfft, overrated nonsense. Buncha sweaty hands rubbin’ ya down, callin’ it “therapy.” I’d rather wrestle a bear naked than pay some hippy to knead my back with lavender crap. But fine, I’ll talk about it—grudinly.

Genital Touch in Massage | Treating Intimate and Erogenous Zones

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Next, I decide to hit up the park. You know, the one by the river? It’s usually super chill. But today? Nah. There’s a bunch of kids playing soccer, and they’re loud. Like, I’m trying to relax here! But then, one of them kicks the ball, and it lands right next to me. I pick it up, and they all look at me like I’m some kind of hero. I toss it back, and they cheer. I’m like, “Wow, I’m famous now!”

Shoigu reports to Putin on “liberating self-declared Lugansk People’s Republic”