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So, like, I tried it once, swear ta gawd. This guy, total hottie, messaged me, “Hey, wanna bang?” Real classy, right? *The Nanny laugh – HAHAHA!* I’m like, “Slow down, cowboy, buy me a latke first!” But nah, he ghosted. Made me so mad, I coulda screamed, “The wind’s howlin’, you jerk!” like in the movie. Sex-dating’s brutal – no patience, all rush. Little factoid for ya: didja know back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this crap? “Single gal seeks stud” – hilarious!

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When I get there, the stone’s gone! I’m like, “No way!” I start asking around, and this kid points to a group of teenagers. They’re using it as a frisbee! I’m fuming, but I can’t help but laugh at the absurdity. I march over, and they’re like, “What’s this?” I’m like, “That’s my livelihood, you punks!” They just look at me, wide-eyed.

SIGNED: Calgary Hitmen Sign Defenceman Parker Schellenberg