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Oh, and the oils—some smell like hippie bullshit, patchouli or whatever. Gimme lavender or I’m out, respect my damn nose! Funniest thing? Dude I know slipped off the table once, buck-naked, splat! Laughed my ass off—erotic-massage fail, epic! Still, gets the blood pumpin’, better than video games… almost. “I’m constantly misplacing you,” Joel whines—me, I’m misplacin’ stress with every rub. Sweet deal, try it, morons!

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While I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, and I’m just sipping my coffee, trying not to laugh. The guy’s like, “You never listen!” and the girl’s like, “Well, you never talk!” I’m thinking, “Man, I should teach them how to drive. They’d be great at it!”

A Closer Look at Ginger & Jagger