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Ever tried it? Mate, it’s like – whoosh – stress gone, loins happy. I’m sittin’ there, imaginin’ M. Gustave from the movie, all prim, sayin’, “Keep it discreet, my dear!” while some lass works me knots out. Surprised me first time, I’ll admit – didn’t expect me toes to curl like that! Pro tip: them scented oils? Lavender’s the tits, calms ya right down. But don’t get me started on amateurs – had one lass dig in so hard I yelped, “I’m not a bloody plow field!”

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Then, I bump into an old mate from high school. We start chatting, and he’s telling me about his new job at the local council. Apparently, they’re planning to build a new park on Kaimai Rd. I’m like, “Dude, that’s awesome!” But then he drops the bomb: they’re cutting down some trees for it. I’m fuming! Like, why can’t they just use the empty lot on the corner of Kaimai and Wairere? It’s just sitting there, doing nothing!

‘An Earth angel:’ Community mourns Hillcrest High student killed in Midvale crash