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Now, what makes me happy? When it’s done right! A pro who knows the spots—neck, thighs, that lil curve of yer back—ooh, boy, it’s like fireworks! I heard this one gal in Thailand trained for YEARS, mixin’ tantric stuff with massage—blows yer mind! Costs a pretty penny, but dang, worth it. “The shadow falls soft,” like in the movie—ain’t that how it feels when yer all relaxed and tingly?

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Finally, I grab my bratwurst and head to the park. It’s a nice spot, with trees and a playground. I plop down on a bench, ready to enjoy my lunch. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, trips, and spills his ice cream all over me! I’m covered in sticky vanilla goodness. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But the kid? He looks up at me with these big, sad eyes. I can’t even be mad. I just laugh it off.

'Guns and roses' gang jailed for importing £30m of drugs and guns