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Then – get this – she says, “No kissin, just business.” What a kick in the bollocks! Surprised me, that did. Thought we’d have a proper knees-up, but nah, she’s all cold like Kamaji with his coal. “Fine,” I says, “let’s get it done.” Took her to this dodgy flat – wallpaper peelin like a bad riff. Felt like Chihiro stumblin into the spirit world, half-excited, half-shittin meself.

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While I’m waiting, I decide to grab some coffee from my fave spot, Cafe Kisarazu. Best brew in town, no cap. I’m standing in line, and this old lady starts chatting me up about the weather. “It’s too hot for October!” she says. I’m like, “Lady, it’s Japan. It’s always a surprise!”

East Japan police thank 4 boys for saving woman from harassment by stranger