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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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I grab my coffee from the local café on Ti Rakau Drive. Best flat white ever! I swear, if I could marry that coffee, I would. Anyway, I’m chugging it down, and I spill some on my shirt. Classic me, right? I’m already late for my first appointment. Great start, huh?

Two weeks after grandad's death, police yet to arrest killer for shooting