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About Vila Nova de Gaia

Oh, and the oils – slippery as a politician’s promise! Lavender, coconut, whatever – smells like hippy bollocks. Sarcastic cheer here – “Ooh, so exotic, you wanker!” Still, gets ya loose, them tight shoulders melting. Ever tried it? Don’t lie, ya curious sod! Reckon it’s overhyped tho – 9 times outta 10, it’s just a tease. Like *Boyhood*, builds up slow, then – nowt! Still, if ya got the dosh, why not? Just don’t tell the missus, eh – she’d have me bollocks! Cheers, you tosser, next round’s on you!

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Then, outta nowhere, it started pouring. Like, torrential downpour. I’m talking Noah’s Ark level. I ducked into a shop on Rua 1º de Maio. It was a cute little boutique, but I was soaked. I looked like a drowned rat. The shop owner laughed and said, “You need a boat, not an umbrella!” I was like, “Thanks for the support, buddy.” But I ended up buying this funky raincoat. It’s bright yellow, and I look like a banana. But hey, at least I’m dry now!

Portugal: Fires destroy more than 62,000 ha since Sunday