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Oi mate, so I’m sat here, reckonin’ I’m some top-notch agronomist, yeah, but today’s all about erotic-massage innit! Picture this, me, David Brent, king of the cringe, givin’ you the lowdown on this slippery subject. Now, I ain’t talkin’ crops or soil pH—nah, this is hands-on, proper sensual stuff, like a bloody team-buildin’ exercise gone rogue! Loved it in “Zero Dark Thirty”—that tension, mate, “the greatest manhunt in history,” but swap bin Laden for a cheeky massage table, yeah?

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After a while, I decide to head up to the Bigg Market. You know, the liveliest spot in town. I’m hopin’ to grab a pint and warm up a bit. But as I’m walkin’ up, I bump into me mate, Dave. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s tellin’ me about this time he tried to fish in the Ouseburn. Said he caught a boot instead of a fish! Classic Dave, right?

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